


Soul Flight

by TheTartWitch



Category: D. Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Circus, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 11:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4705061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTartWitch/pseuds/TheTartWitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red has spent the entirety of his London life believing himself so dirty not even his soulmate wants him. His Mark's a slimy brown, his arm's a freakshow all on its own, and he doesn't even remember his own name. After growing up in a circus and realizing maybe he's not the worst thing out there, a small group of travelers arrive at the tents and begin dragging Red's head into something he'd much rather forget: the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soul Flight

Red's Mark has always been brown, a muddy, dirty brown that wrapped around his right thigh, right below the seam between his hipbone and his leg like a wedding garter the width of a pencil. His mother cast him out when he was four, calling him a broken soul that not even his Mate wanted. Red had slunk away, tail between his legs and fingertips digging maliciously into his Mark as though to rip it out.  
There were a few kind souls: a shopkeeper's apprentice who gave him leftover food and found him a barn to sleep in that didn't have many rats. A teacher who saw the Mark through a hole in his cloth pants and taught him letters and numbers out of pity. A widow who pinched his cheeks and showed him her own filthy brown Mark wrapping around her upper left arm, covered with swirls and a bit of lace. She pointed out the window to show him her Mate's house and told him how he'd rejected her and married his childhood sweetheart. She'd cried tears of joy at their wedding, because he was happy and that was enough for her.  
(0)  
Eventually he found an ad for jobs at the circus. It was perfect for an unwanted streetrat: no one asked questions, and as long as you worked and didn't murder anyone, they didn't care what you did. Life there was peaceful and full of life, bustling with magic and miracles and people who smiled to cover their pain instead of masking it with insults and sneers like he did.  
He was twelve when he went on stage for the first time: seven years after he'd joined. He held hoops for the clowns' dogs, did acrobatics, and showed off his arm. According to the ringmaster, it was good luck, instead of the monstrous appendage it had been to his mother.  
At sixteen he was the most agile and graceful acrobat there, and he made a beautiful clown, with his silver eyes and needle-like left arm. He'd been told it was beautiful too, like spider legs and cracks in an icy lake: beautiful in the kind of way that made you suck in your breath and take a short step back in wariness. He loved it.  
(0)  
He'd been cold at first, warding off young girly guests' questions about whether he'd found his Mate or not and if they were in the circus too and could they meet them? He snapped and threw them off, claiming it was personal and none of their business and he was alone, had always been alone. He avoided the rest of the crew at mealtimes, eating as fast he could without vomiting afterward and running away.  
But now he had friends: Alstroemeria and Amaranthus, the twin acrobats who looked like vixen with their spiky orange hair and slitted green eyes; Lisianthis the knife juggler; Chrysanthemum, who they all called Mum, the tallest woman Red had ever met. They called him Stephanotis, Notis for short, and he was the clown of the group, dancing and bouncing on his feet and daring all who saw him to comment on his moonshine eyes or obsidian claws.   
(0)  
They went into the town they were performing in sometimes, to get some soap and chalk and meat for the animals, and stumbled upon a group of three leaving the ringmaster's tent as they came back, laden with weapons and funny clothes, and light on their feet, like trained combatants. It had been many years for Red, but seeing those fluid gaits and watchful eyes threw him back twelve years to when you had to kill for what you needed to survive. Instinctively, his back straightened and he shifted from foot to foot, body ready for battle but mind understanding that the present was not the past.  
The ringmaster approached him, coughed disapprovingly. Red blinked and shuffled, embarrassed by his body's behavior.  
"Stephanotis, you will show these three to Cosimo's tent. He's taken something he shouldn't have and these three want it back. Do you understand?" The ringmaster ordered, knowing Red's feelings for the older clown. Red's face split in a vicious grin before becoming genial once again. The ringmaster smiled.  
"Of course, ringmaster." He turned to the newcomers and waved a hand. Mum, Lisi, and the twins toddled off and he followed, giggling under his breath. The three trailed behind.  
"Finally the nasty old brute gets what he deserves!" Lisi snickered, sparking a round of vulpine laughter from the twins. "Oh, he's so nasty, yelling at poor ringmaster like that!" They looped an arm around each other's shoulders, speaking in unison. Mum snarled, smiling.  
The girl of the trio spoke up. "You are all so graceful; is it the circus life?"  
They considered her question, instantly forgetting their previous line of thought in favor of something more interesting.  
"No." Red said tersely, allowing himself to shift back into a fighting stance even as he walked. "It's not the circus life. The circus saved us, before we could lose ourselves in the blood and dirt."  
"Scrabbling for coins like rats," said one twin, and the other nodded and whispered quiet as the night wind, "Treated like vermin for things we can't control."  
"Ah." The girl nodded in empathy, and they stared at her, appraising her. Taking her measure.  
Red stepped forward and pulled at the fabric of his pants until his Mark was visible through the seam. He raised a hand to her shoulder and brushed the foreign clothes away to reveal the twisted and knarled Mark there, faded to a bloody red. Love, but only the foulest kind.  
"From one lost one to another." He murmured, and kissed her Mark right above a particularly thorny rose. She smiled, and it was decided right then that they were circus too.  
(0)  
Cosimo is dead. In his hand he clutches something Red's only seen in his dreams: a star within a pocket of crisscrossing rings. It's beautiful and he says so, picks it up in his spiderleg hand and holds it up to the light.  
He turns and sees the three staring at him, mouths agape and eyes bugging. Mum giggles.  
"First time seeing Notis's hand? Don't worry, you'll get used to it soon enough. It's our good luck charm."  
"Innocence..." The girl, Lenalee, mumbles, gaze glued to his arm. He cocks his head questioningly.  
"Hmm?"  
She doesn't answer.  
The twins dance gleefully around Cosimo's corpse, kicking their feet high and blowing raspberries at his empty sneer, present even in death. Lisi raids his equipment cabinets and finds a gorgeous knife collection, just right for throwing. He smiles lovingly and coos at them as he stashes them inside his belt. Mum's bending over, hands on her hips, as she watches the twins frolic and Lisi's sticky fingers work, a smile on her lips.  
They'll have to report Cosimo's death to the ringmaster later, though. The peace won't last long.  
(0)  
The trio ends up staying for several days, camping on the outskirts of the caravans and tents. They hang out with Red's group, watching them train and play and laugh. He notices them watching him and continues on as he always has when people come with inquiries as to his Mate or his past: briskly and stark in the face of their curiousity. No, he has not met them. No, he does not plan to meet them. Why?   
"Because whoever they are decided they didn't want me without ever having met me. I'm quite agreeable in not ever meeting them. It would save us the awkward conversations sure to spring up."  
One of the trio flinches at these words and Red knows just what that one's done: he's condemned someone else to live like Red had to. With brown Marks and a self-hating nature. He makes sure to avoid being alone with that one, as one of them will mostly surely end up dead if he brings it up, and Red's not one to go down without a fight.  
(0)  
The trio comes to the last show in this town, but Red feels like he's all alone, centered in the ring with all eyes on him. He's been told he has a commanding presence and it shows here. One crack of the whip and every eye sharpens, one flick of the wrist and every body tenses. It's intoxicating, and he revels in it, dancing and twisting in movements most people's bodies have forgotten. The show passes in a flash.  
Mum, tall and intimidating as she towers over him and he makes a show of leaning up and kissing her cheek gently. She blushes and catches a rose from a girl her age in the audience. It's just for a moment, but Red can see her eyes widen and her hand gravitate reflexively to her right wrist where her Mark lies hidden beneath a sultry violet ribbon tied in an intricate frilly knot that Red does himself every morning for her. He finds himself smiling for real for her, and moves his attention to the twins.  
They are the trapeze artists, but they are also the best, besides Red, at seductive dances that contort their bodies until you can't tell where one twin's body ends and the other's begins. Red joins in, darting his legs between theirs and opening his mouth for Alstroemeria's tongue. It's slick and clean, and he can feel Amaryllis hooking an ankle around his hips and pulling himself up. It ends with the twins kissing as they writhe around Red's torso and head, and he smiles cheerfully at the audience. A couple of the women have fainted, and one man appears to be masturbating in his chair.   
Red's never had a problem "dancing" with the other two, even if they are boys. He's seen their Marks, and he wouldn't dare get between something like that. It would be too rude, especially when they complete themselves, like puzzle pieces slotted together at birth and never taken apart. So he knows for certain nothing would come of it, and he's okay with that.  
Lisi's act is dangerous, but Red's trusted him not to kill him for seven years now and a few more minutes won't be much of a strain.  
He buckles himself into the straps on the wooden wheel blindfolded and knows Lisi's covered his own eyes as well. Lisi pulls out his knives and speaks to them like old friends, companions he's known for oh so long.  
And then he throws them.  
Three under Red's right armpit, one on either side of his head, six scattered along the left side of his body (one dangerously close to his Mark, but he doesn't tense).  
He pulls off his blindfold just as Lisi begins undoing his bindings and sees every single target has been hit. He's not surprised; Lisi's never missed.  
He tidies up afterward, wiping the pale paint off his face and removing the bangles placed around his thin black arm. A knock sounds on his door and when he opens it, he knows what's about to be said. He holds up a hand.  
"Good luck, Mum." He smiles and pulls the sobbing woman into a long embrace, and the woman behind her flinches minutely. He laughs and releases her. "Be happy, okay? You found her, so be happy for the rest of us at least?"  
She nods desperately, and he sees that the ribbon on her wrist has slipped and the curving edges of two Marks, one black as pitch without the shine and the other pink as a young girl's cheeks on a winter day. One dead and one happy love.  
He loves her, so he lets her go like a good brother should.   
He still says, "You're free to come back and join us at any time if you find city life isn't for you." Mum glances at her Mate, twitchy and worried, and he adds, "Both of you _together_."  
She smiles, and it's the happiest thing he's ever seen. So he smiles back.  
(0)  
After they're gone, he allows himself to pull the blinds on the caravan windows and cry. He's lost a sister, and a pang goes through his chest when he remembers how happy she looked. He'll never feel that. It's gone; his happy ending was smashed to bits and he wants it _back_. But he doesn't know if he actually wants that, or if his Mark is pulling him, tugging him towards it's mate even though it's just going to get both of them hurt.  
He gets up and moves on, only to open the door and find Lisi and the twins standing guard outside. They're about to face off against the trio, and he leaps off the step right into the middle, letting his eyes flash with everything he just felt and everything he's ever felt in a situation like this.  
"What are you doing?" He roars, baggy pants forgotten in his grief, so he stands there in his skintight leggings and slick black tanktop, panting and glaring heavenly fire at the trio.  
That one steps forward. "We were worried. You hadn't come out for a while." He snorts.  
"I was having a self-pity cry, if you must know." Lisi's hand lands on his shoulder and he leans into it unconsciously, seeking familiar support. That one's eyes tighten and he frowns, puzzling over it. His hand reaches up to absentmindedly clasp around Lisi's.  
That one's hand goes to clench around the hilt of his sword. Red's mind blanks by the revelation he's just had.  
"You..." He chokes, twisting out from under Lisi's hand and walks away, thoughts spinning, images and reactions connecting in his head. He stomps back around, furiously getting up close to the man's face ( _Yuu_ , something inside whispers lovingly, and he hisses) and growling. "You! It was always you!"  
Lisi grunts as the meaning of the words connects and his hands rises, knives following it to float steadily in an arc beside his body. The redhead and Lenalee are staring distractedly, but Red's seen it before and he doesn't care enough to make a spectacle.  
"I-" Yuu begins but Red doesn't let him.  
"You left me alone in the world, completely, without even explaining your choice. I was four years old! I thought I was so disgusting not even the one fated for me wanted me." Tears leak onto his cheeks, and he's completely taken by surprise when Yuu grabs the sides of his head and slots their lips together tenderly. He freezes, brain failing as memories rush back, two lifetimes distorting and shifting and climbing into each other's skins.  
 _He's twenty-three, in a field of purple flowers because he decided to die here alone, without Yuu. Because he has accepted death, accepted it long ago but kept fighting for him, the Order be damned._  
 _He's sixteen and watching a trio of familiar yet unfamiliar people walk in to the circus, and realizing that if he looks close he knows one but has no idea who the other two are._  
 _He's nineteen and watching Yuu fall in love with a girl who definitely doesn't have his Mark, because Red has it, curving delicately around his right thigh._  
 _He's twenty-two, smiling and cheering at Yuu's wedding, trying not to sob at the sadness ripping his heart to shreds, the kind that comes with watching his Mark turn brown that morning in the bathroom mirror. Yuu has decided, and Red has decided to respect his decision. It still makes him sad._  
 _He's twenty-three and heading to a field of purple flowers to die, because Yuu and his wife, Violet, died that morning and he wants to honor them by dying in a field of violets._  
 _He's five and fighting for food in a trash heap, trying to survive._  
 _He's seventeen and fighting for his life against monsters in a trash heap, trying to survive._  
 _He's dead and drifting happily, alone but without the melancholy that usually comes with it, when he suddenly feels a heart-wrenching tug to his Mark, pulling him back to Earth in time to see his Mark etching itself around an infant's leg, already brown, and feels a sob rising even as he forgets everything: he's going to have to do it again, be lonely again, but he'll do it. For Yuu._  
 _He's sixteen again, remembering that kind old woman and how she'd said she'd live everything over again for that man's happiness, even if she was forever forgotten._  
 _He understands._  
He pulls away and sobs, dropping to his knees and letting them run over. He's doomed to forever be in the background, to forever wish for Yuu's happiness but never be that happiness, and it hurts so much he wishes he could die but he can't. He wants to live until Yuu isn't anymore, and then maybe he'll be free.   
He feels arms wrap around him and he hiccups, leaning gratefully into Lisi's shoulder as he wails. He knows the twins follow, watching his back and protecting him, and he wants to give up and return, go with Yuu to a lifetime in the shadows, praying desperately for Yuu's future while neglecting to think on his own, but let him have this little cry first.  
After all, he's just remembered the hopelessness of his situation.   
(0)  
Lisi drags him to an alleyway and hovers close. They block the only entrance with their fierce glares and fuming expressions.  
"Tell us. What is it? Did he do something?" Lisi is concerned, fluttering like a bird. He shakes his head, scattering tears into the dust, and mumbles through his raised fists.  
"No, I just... remembered. My first life, before this one, when I was an exorcist; a different person, but I was the same inside." He turns towards Lisi and finds his arms held above his head, Lisi's face close to his.  
"Tell me!" He insists, and Red closes his eyes and begins.  
(0)  
"This is my second life. I'm not sure why, but Yuu was brought back after his death and as his Mate I was called back as well.  
In my first life I was raised in London, but I was nobility. My name was Allen Walker, and I met Kanda Yuu at the Black Order, an order for exorcists fighting against the Millennium Earl and his akuma, when I was seventeen. We fought together for two years before I realized he had my Mark when he was injured in a fight. While I was debating bringing it up to him, he began dating a fellow exorcist, Violet Meriweather. He was happy with her, I could tell, so I didn't say anything and made sure I was always covered up around him so he wouldn't notice." He fought the tears escaping his eyes as he recounted everything he'd remembered, leaving out how he'd tried to move on but deemed it hopeless because they couldn't love each other the way he loved Yuu. It was too painful to talk about. "Three years later, they decided to get married. The day of the wedding, my Mark turned brown in the shower. It was like someone driving a hot poker around the skin, like someone trying to burn it off and get rid of the evidence. He wanted to be rid of his Mate, so I obliged. I wrapped a bandage around it so it wouldn't bleed onto my clothes at the ceremony and pretended it didn't hurt." He turned away, hiding his face in his elbow. "A year later they were killed together in a field of violets. When I heard, I had nothing left- I'd felt my Mark turn black when it happened but I didn't know where- I went there to wait. I died there, trying to honor their memory."  
His voice turned brittle. "I know what death's like, Lisi. It's cold and empty and you're alone, but it doesn't feel like any of those things. It feels warm, like you're being cradled by something loving and huge, and I was peaceful and, and I was free!  
"And then something pulled me back, and I had to watch as that hideous brown Mark was etched on again, and I felt the pain again, and my mother called me a _freak_! But I didn't remember, I didn't know how much better it was, not having to watch the one meant for you dancing a wedding waltz with the woman he loves." He hiccups again, and Lisi releases his hands and lets him fall to the ground and bawl his guts out into the ashy dust of the alley.  
"Poor Notis..." The twins murmur, trading places with Lisi and rubbing soothing circles in his back.   
(0)  
He stays there for an hour, and only when he physically cannot cry anymore does he bottle everything up and bury it in his heart, using the same padlock he used in his previous life and finding it to be pretty sturdy. He returns to Yuu's side after packing his caravan and informing the ringmaster that he will be departing for awhile and taking Lisi and the twins with him.  
They begin the journey back to the Black Order's new headquarters in silence.  
(0)

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if anything's confusing.  
> there is a second chapter for this in the works, but maybe not for a while?  
> really old story i wrote a while ago.


End file.
